I was recently laid off. I've found myself in one hell of a state of transition. Lucky for me, I can hold the fort financially for at least a couple months. And there are a few irons in the fire, in terms of finding a new position. Which is hopeful.
The thing is, this state of transition has given me far more time than I'm comfortable with. Time to reflect, and untangle any feelings or thoughts I've put on the back burner over the past year or two. It's been ages since I had so much time to just mull over all of the personal and emotional bullshit that I've previously ignored because I was far too busy just keeping up with life.
Now that I find myself with so much unoccupied time on my hands, I find my mind is forcing me to reexamine situations and relationships and conflict that I originally felt forced to gloss over during the last two+ years.
Is this something that other people experience occasionally? This weird resurgence of emotions/situations/choices that weren't fully dealt with in their immediate past? It seems so bizarre to me. I'm not used to this overwhelming wave of my more recent, swept-under-the-rug personal history.
I find this unexpected introspection has been leaking into my dreams. I had a dream about an ex of mine just a few nights ago. It was so odd, and the situation involved was surreal. I miss his company on occasion, but, to be honest, I hadn't really thought about him for several months. The dream has stuck with me, and I find myself wondering how he's doing, and what his life is like these days. I wonder if things turned out the way he wanted, and if he's still the person I knew less than a year ago.
And then I end up thinking about the other loves of my life. I wonder where they are in their plan for life. I wonder if they're happy. I wonder, if they aren't happy, what they would do to make themselves happy. I want to know if they have any thoughts in regards to how I might improve myself, or how they might have been more faithful to themselves during the relationships.
[For the record, I don't think there's such a thing as one true love. I believe that all most love is true. The trick is finding a true love when you're both in a place to share that love, and grow in it together. In my head, it's like one person being a clutch and one person being an engine. You have to find that sweet spot when you let the clutch out, so the revolutions match up. If they don't you'll stall the engine. That doesn't mean you'll never be able to put the car in gear. It just means you need more time to figure out how your clutch works, and how to match your clutch with an engine.]
I know that romance and dating and "being involved" ought to be the last of my concerns at the moment. And believe me, it's close to the last of my current concerns. But I've just found myself missing these people that were so close to me for so very long. I'd love to learn from their perspectives of the experiences we had together, and gain some deep insight about how they grew from said experiences, or how they think I could grow from the same experiences. It would be grand to gain that new perspective from these people that knew me so incredibly well, and in so many different aspects.
Maybe I should extend that desire for constructive criticism to my friends and family. The thing is, I loathe asking people for shit like that. "Oh, hey, what do you think of me and how I react to certain circumstances? What advice could you give me so I can be a better person?"
That's ridiculous. The only world where I'm the main focus is the world I live in, in my head. I would feel like a self-centered asshole were I to ask anyone else (save a very small group of people) to comment on my feelings, or actions, or comment on how I'm perceived.
So, I suppose that I'll just keep on keeping on, for now. I'm not on the wrong path, but I'm not sure I'm on the right one, either. I just hope I can make it the right one, or see that it isn't before I'm stuck here.
