Well, fuck.

I thought that maybe writing about my craptastic phone experience would make me feel better. I then realized that it would mainly consist of me whining even more about how pissed I am at myself. And now I'm here, whining about trying not to whine about my phone. The bullshit has been resolved, but I would have rather given my first-born than go through this again (even though I don't want kids... which, I suppose, means I'd give my first- AND second-born).

My phone was either left at The Clermont Lounge, or at a diner we went to after our appetites were crushed by the dancers at the Clermont, and then picked up by someone who called Santa Barbara for, like, 5 minutes Saturday morning. It is now gone forever, to the place where things stolen by fucking douche bags that lack the manners to just fucking take that shit to the register end up. I hope that my stolen phone explodes, impaling their stupid face with shards of Apple Certified glass, disfiguring them to the point that people mistake them for Mel Gibson in that movie about that guy whose face was all gross. The Man Without a Face. Or Man with a Face of Guilt and Sin for Being a FUCKING THIEF. Or something.

So the phone is gone. It was synced with my computer, so I didn't really lose anything. Just my faith in humanity. And the ability to go out drinking with any kind of purse that doesn't zip closed entirely. And the technology needed to call anyone, locate or orient myself in relation to my surroundings (I am ALWAYS lost, even with the GPS, and now I'm totally on my own. In fact, I'm typing this from my MacBook in the middle of an unfamiliar city where it's -14 degrees and the street signs are written in Russian or some shit, and I was just trying to get to the park that's MAYBE 15 minutes away from my house), check my email, check my account balances, take photos.... The horribly tragic and unfair and slightly whiny list goes on.

Fortunately for me, it was time for an upgrade. I managed to order the iPhone 4 online the day after my phone was left and then stolen. Then I discovered that it would take THREE WEEKS for Apple to ship that shit. Really, Apple? You can't just, you know, get off your asses and send me a phone? Supply and demand can die in a fire, I went almost a week without any means of communication. Had my car broken down (which it wouldn't have because it's the shit) and I been kidnapped, murdered, and then decapitated, it would have been YOUR FAULT. That's right. I'm irrationally blaming you for my hypothetical KIDNAPPING. Way to go. And no, this has nothing to do with the fact that I'm usually an impatient person.

So I canceled the order (that I used a gift-card to pay for) and decided to try to get a phone at the store. Sold out. Sold out. Sold out. Apparently, EVERYONE wants one of these phones. Well, everyone except the people that go on and on about how they suck (they're just jealous). Which is basically, like, 7 people on the planet. Then, Wednesday, I was told that there were some iPhone 4's at the Perimeter store. So I scooted my happy ass over there to FINALLY reconnect with virtual civilization (and my sense of direction/ checking account balance/ bejeweled high score).

My old AP music theory teacher, Volzie, works at the Apple store, and ended up being the one to help me out. We got the phone, and then the gift card wouldn't work. I got really frustrated and said that I would kill EVERYTHING just spend the $200 cash so I could leave with a phone, but Volzie didn't want me to have to deal with selling a $200 Apple gift card that I wasn't going to use. We called this and that and eventually found out that nothing could be done. So we sighed, canceled the transaction because it couldn't be tendered properly, and started the process again.

Then, Volzie went to put the new order in and AT&T was all, "Oh, hai guyz, so you know when you just said you were trying to buy this, and then didn't? ? Well, fuck you. We've decided that you DID buy it. So that whole 'eligible for an upgrade' thing? Yeah, that doesn't exist for you anymore. We're guessing you don't want to spend $600 on a new iPhone because you're lame and broke and everyone hates you, so have fun getting lost and over-drafting your checking account. Love ya, mean it!"

So I left, after two or three hours of nonsense, without a phone. Luckily, the manager felt REALLY bad, and gave me a card saying I didn't have to wait in the queue once AT&T figured their shit out. He also said he would hold a phone there for me (which they're TOTALLY not doing for anyone anymore, due to the demand).

The next day, the money was back on my gift card and AT&T was all, "Ohhhh. See, that wasn't us that you spoke to yesterday. It was our evil twin, AT&T-with-a-mustache. So go get your pretty new phone, and we'll try to track down that jerk Bizarre-o AT&T and give him a piece of our minds." And that's exactly what I did. The guys at the Apple store even bought Apple Care for me, so there's $65 I didn't have to spend on an extended, better warranty. Though I don't know if I would sell a total of 4 hours of my life, some stress, and dealing with the mall for $65.

The lesson I learned from this is that my history teacher was a liar. There's no way in hell that people lived in a time without land lines, at least. Also, the iPhone 4 is sweet, and doesn't actually drop calls, so the naysayers can suck it.