Something happened tonight that really took me by surprise.
I found myself chatting with an old friend (as in, a friend I've known for several years... not a friend that is old.... I like to think he'd appreciate the clarification). The fact that we were talking wasn't what took me by surprise, however. It was the conversation, itself.
I've felt SO MUCH, at the positive and negative ends of the spectrum, as of late. A relationship ended, which hurt like a son of a bitch. I learned a fuckton about who I am, which was enlightening and exciting and new. I had my trust betrayed, which was painful both because, well, trust was betrayed, but also because I should have seen that shit coming. I was shown that there is so much more in the world (in terms of people I can enjoy and learn from and connect with) than I initially thought, which is even still an exhilarating feeling, despite not really enjoying the root of that lesson.
After feeling so much, and so quickly and out of my control, I was left exhausted. My emotions have been really empty or really negative. My motivation for most things has waned quite a bit. My enthusiasm for interpersonal connection (whether platonic or romantic or whatever) has been lacking. That last one says a lot, too, because I thrive on listening to people and learning about people and figuring out what makes them tick, and where their motivations lie, and how they work, and finding the differences in their train of thought compared to mine.
So tonight I was chatting with this old friend of mine. Our conversation strayed into my recent developments. After a few minutes, I realized something. None of the bullshit, or hurt, or betrayal I've felt in the past few days has anything to do with me. It wasn't caused by my shortcomings. It's quite the opposite, in fact. I may be far too aware of my faults, and the negative traits of my personality, and I'm insecure about a ton aspects of myself. Regardless of all of that, there's nothing I could have done differently, or better, to prevent what led to the crap I'm dealing with right now.
Something else that I realized during this conversation is that I am really, truly loved. Maybe not always in the "holy shit let's get married and live together forever and have babies" kind of love. But who am I to be such a shit when it comes to how other people love me? The fact that I am desirable, and that I am loved by so many people in so many ways makes me incredibly lucky.
And the fact that my current emotional point of contention took his share of that love away shouldn't cause such a dent in my well-being.
I am so glad that my friend decided to reach out tonight (even if it was originally to discuss River Song's place in the Doctor Who universe). I am really thankful that I have people (that's right, it's plural, even) in my life that can show me that I'm loved so easily.
I can only hope that my friends know that they're all just as loved.
And I just keep coming back to my calm.
Goodnight, lovies.
I found myself chatting with an old friend (as in, a friend I've known for several years... not a friend that is old.... I like to think he'd appreciate the clarification). The fact that we were talking wasn't what took me by surprise, however. It was the conversation, itself.
I've felt SO MUCH, at the positive and negative ends of the spectrum, as of late. A relationship ended, which hurt like a son of a bitch. I learned a fuckton about who I am, which was enlightening and exciting and new. I had my trust betrayed, which was painful both because, well, trust was betrayed, but also because I should have seen that shit coming. I was shown that there is so much more in the world (in terms of people I can enjoy and learn from and connect with) than I initially thought, which is even still an exhilarating feeling, despite not really enjoying the root of that lesson.
After feeling so much, and so quickly and out of my control, I was left exhausted. My emotions have been really empty or really negative. My motivation for most things has waned quite a bit. My enthusiasm for interpersonal connection (whether platonic or romantic or whatever) has been lacking. That last one says a lot, too, because I thrive on listening to people and learning about people and figuring out what makes them tick, and where their motivations lie, and how they work, and finding the differences in their train of thought compared to mine.
So tonight I was chatting with this old friend of mine. Our conversation strayed into my recent developments. After a few minutes, I realized something. None of the bullshit, or hurt, or betrayal I've felt in the past few days has anything to do with me. It wasn't caused by my shortcomings. It's quite the opposite, in fact. I may be far too aware of my faults, and the negative traits of my personality, and I'm insecure about a ton aspects of myself. Regardless of all of that, there's nothing I could have done differently, or better, to prevent what led to the crap I'm dealing with right now.
Something else that I realized during this conversation is that I am really, truly loved. Maybe not always in the "holy shit let's get married and live together forever and have babies" kind of love. But who am I to be such a shit when it comes to how other people love me? The fact that I am desirable, and that I am loved by so many people in so many ways makes me incredibly lucky.
And the fact that my current emotional point of contention took his share of that love away shouldn't cause such a dent in my well-being.
I am so glad that my friend decided to reach out tonight (even if it was originally to discuss River Song's place in the Doctor Who universe). I am really thankful that I have people (that's right, it's plural, even) in my life that can show me that I'm loved so easily.
I can only hope that my friends know that they're all just as loved.
And I just keep coming back to my calm.
Goodnight, lovies.
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