A completely selfish, wildly boring update....
I'm 26 (and a half). I feel like I'm so far from being a bona fide adult. I still have so much to learn, and express, and experience. I've never been married, or had children, or found the strength to follow through with school to the point of getting my PhD in psychology and helping people via my favorite talent.
I shy away from commitment, usually. I do that because it's so much easier to not feel accountable to other people. I do it because it makes my shortcomings feel like they're anticipated (meaning they're much less of a letdown), so I don't feel as guilty about them when they happen (whether they're due to me being late, or because I don't like answering my phone, or because I often get distracted and don't know how to explain to people how that happens).
The majority of my experience has shown me that being committed to something (be it my relationship with my mother, with various friends, or with occasional lovers) causes hurt. Committing to another person in any way often ends up leaving nothing but pain and hardship and a hole mimicking their shape when they leave, in addition to this static that I feel in my head right now.
Something I've discovered recently, however, is that the static is nothing more than growing pains. I will always be me. I will always have myself to love, and commit to, and take into consideration. The growing pains hurt like a fucking banshee, but when all is said and done, and time has passed, I will be so much better because of these people and the hurt that has been caused through knowing them. I will be a more rounded, aware, comfortable person because of the feelings I have endured and the growth I have been forced into, with thanks to all these situations.
I think that fear is something that holds people back so terribly much (myself included). Fear of the unknown, fear of being hurt or abandoned, fear of fucking something up and not being able to fix it, fear of being unable to handle that mental static that comes with the hurt....
But that fear shouldn't serve as a completely negative thing in a person's life. That fear can be channeled into something so much better and productive and positive. That fear can become motivation. Whether it motivates you to be a better person to yourself, or to pursue something you were too afraid to before, or just find the kindness in you and express that to the people around you. That fear spins itself into the most beautiful gold, and can offer so much when it comes to how you experience life. It's a beautiful fear, full of risk and anxiety and lessons to be learned and hope and self-discovery.
So why do we spend so much time pretending that something so wonderfully difficult, so incredibly challenging in every way that we need at the time, doesn't exist?
I think that the hardest lesson to learn is acceptance. Acceptance in regards to who you are, who you want to be, the fact that you have no control over how anyone outside of you behaves or thinks.... Acceptance that you are who you are, and all you can do is be good to people, and try to be trusting, and (above all) be faithful to yourself. Because when it comes down to it, you're the only person you have known and will know for your entire life.
Be good to one another, lovies. And always look for the opportunity to be happy, despite (or even because of) the inevitable static.
<3 p="">-L
I'm 26 (and a half). I feel like I'm so far from being a bona fide adult. I still have so much to learn, and express, and experience. I've never been married, or had children, or found the strength to follow through with school to the point of getting my PhD in psychology and helping people via my favorite talent.
I shy away from commitment, usually. I do that because it's so much easier to not feel accountable to other people. I do it because it makes my shortcomings feel like they're anticipated (meaning they're much less of a letdown), so I don't feel as guilty about them when they happen (whether they're due to me being late, or because I don't like answering my phone, or because I often get distracted and don't know how to explain to people how that happens).
The majority of my experience has shown me that being committed to something (be it my relationship with my mother, with various friends, or with occasional lovers) causes hurt. Committing to another person in any way often ends up leaving nothing but pain and hardship and a hole mimicking their shape when they leave, in addition to this static that I feel in my head right now.
Something I've discovered recently, however, is that the static is nothing more than growing pains. I will always be me. I will always have myself to love, and commit to, and take into consideration. The growing pains hurt like a fucking banshee, but when all is said and done, and time has passed, I will be so much better because of these people and the hurt that has been caused through knowing them. I will be a more rounded, aware, comfortable person because of the feelings I have endured and the growth I have been forced into, with thanks to all these situations.
I think that fear is something that holds people back so terribly much (myself included). Fear of the unknown, fear of being hurt or abandoned, fear of fucking something up and not being able to fix it, fear of being unable to handle that mental static that comes with the hurt....
But that fear shouldn't serve as a completely negative thing in a person's life. That fear can be channeled into something so much better and productive and positive. That fear can become motivation. Whether it motivates you to be a better person to yourself, or to pursue something you were too afraid to before, or just find the kindness in you and express that to the people around you. That fear spins itself into the most beautiful gold, and can offer so much when it comes to how you experience life. It's a beautiful fear, full of risk and anxiety and lessons to be learned and hope and self-discovery.
So why do we spend so much time pretending that something so wonderfully difficult, so incredibly challenging in every way that we need at the time, doesn't exist?
I think that the hardest lesson to learn is acceptance. Acceptance in regards to who you are, who you want to be, the fact that you have no control over how anyone outside of you behaves or thinks.... Acceptance that you are who you are, and all you can do is be good to people, and try to be trusting, and (above all) be faithful to yourself. Because when it comes down to it, you're the only person you have known and will know for your entire life.
Be good to one another, lovies. And always look for the opportunity to be happy, despite (or even because of) the inevitable static.
<3 p="">-L
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